Given so much that sometimes I take a step back and estimate if it’s worth it or not. Draining myself in giving appears to be an indulgence that sometimes I am just scared of myself thinking of the extent to which I could be “all-giving” to everyone around me. I don’t of course expect a return but I don’t also want anyone to take advantage of how naively I might interpret things and contribute to the cause. It is not the monetary side to it that bothers me rather the emotional nuances involved bring me miseries. Like love I now try to give in moderation even in charity. After that I leave it to God to make it a blessing for everyone.
I felt a strange kind of calmness today, it is as if I finally came to know the truth of my existence in ways that weren’t very specific in my occasional foggy mind before. It’s been too long I have been seeking an explanation to my existence, there was no place on earth that I didn’t make my own home to feel really HOME. Years after years I was proved wrong when I searched for the physical home. I told myself “I would know if it’s my home when I will feel at ease”; I thought to myself that perhaps my connection with the geography and people would intertwine and I would feel attached again with that place like the way I used to feel when I was a child. Today I didn’t feel that kind of attachment even when I was in my old “happy” place, it feels like the new natural is my new-familiar home where I should surrender my soul and become one to every bit of my existence. That’s probably how my search will come to an end, after moving away from the old.
It has been two weeks students have left, yet all the teachers are here, doing admin work and contemplating on the last nine months of workload that is now a history. May be some others are planning for their summer gateways. In my case, I am thinking of Ramadan. I thought I would go into a complete spiritual mode if I happen to be in the Middle East. Turned out I was wrong, I am still at work, and working for the upcoming semester which is not even near. I am not sad at this point, but I am not happy either. Of course, the diaspora blues are there when I missing my North American bunch of people and how we would team up to recite the Holy Quran and have arrangements for weekend Iftar parties. Kids will learn more about Islamic culture and history. Here I am missing all of that and I don’t know how to come up with a plan to bridge the spiritual gap I am feeling within.
Self-reflection is so important for me. I could do a million things, both at work or home being a working mom that I am, yet if I don’t pause and reflect, everything seems pointless. Every day I try to take some time aside and do this serious business of self-talking. The feeling I get after ten minutes of self-talk makes me grateful and thankful of everything that I have become and everything that is going on around. That said, may be the spiritual awareness is taking place deep inside of me while the subconscious mind is still trying to make sense of it. I am going to spend the next ten days of Ramadhan really soaking into this emotional, mental uplifting of my soul and more.